Autistic Conversations

This page is a work in progress!

This guide is written for autistic people and our interested and accomodating allistic peers. Much of the discussion I have seen on autistic communication is solely deficit-based, targeted toward parents and caregivers, and written in technical and metaphorical language that can be difficult for autistic people to understand.

This guide is meant for English-speaking North American adult autistic people with the ability to communicate at least mostly fluently in words, either verbally, through typing, or using augmented and alternative communication (AAC) devices. I have tried to be inclusive of different forms of communication and cultural differences in the English-speaking world, but I am limited by my perspective. As for the people to whom this guide may not apply, I am learning about communication and cultural differences, and will add them in over time.

I am definitely not a social skills "guru", being autistic myself; but I wanted to share what I have learned about the complex world of human communication so that I, and possibly others, may continue to benefit from it.

∞

Autistic people often talk about having difficulty with conversations. Conversations between autistic and allistic people can be especially difficult. This is theorized to be caused, at least in part, by the double-empathy problem. Empathy, as used here, has several definitions:

1) Cognitive empathy is the ability of a person to understand the perspective of another person.

2) Emotional (or affective) empathy is the ability of a person to recognize and share the emotions of another person.

3) Bodily (or somatic) empathy is the ability of a person to recognize and share the physical sensations of another person.

Both allistic and autistic people can have (or can lack) empathy. It was once believed that autistic people inherently lack the ability to empathize with others. This would mean that autistic people are always naturally deficient in empathy. However, this is not true.

Autistic people tend to show empathy in specific ways that are different than the ways of allistic people. This means that autistic empathy tends to be comprehensible by other autistic people, but not by allistic people. Similarly, allistic people tend to empathize more with other allistic people, and less with autistic people. This is the double-empathy problem: a mutual lack of understanding of how different people convey empathy. Autistic people may feel empathetic, but we don't convey it in a way that many allistic people can understand. Allistic people can show empathy in ways that we don't comprehend. But because allistic people are the majority, they have come to define autistic people as lacking empathy, when in reality they do not understand how we can be empathetic.

Studies of able-bodied, verbal autistic people have shown that autistic people can show all three types of empathy, especially emotional and bodily empathy, when the cues for the other person's emotion are clear. Cognitive empathy, meanwhile, is generally more difficult for autistic people, because we must think about all of the aspects of the other person combined. This type of perspective-taking is not a natural ability of autistic people, and many of us struggle to learn it. The tendency of autistic and allistic people to miss the empathetic responses of the other group is because our communication styles are different.

The ways that the double-empathy problem applies, or does not apply, to autistic people with intellectual disabilities, low-empathy autistic people, and autistic people with little or no verbal ability are not well-studied. There is some disagreement among autistic people about how applicable the double-empathy problem is to our lives. I want to explain how I experience the double-empathy problem, while at the same time making a note that other autistic people don't experience it the same way, if at all.

∞

Another theory of autistic communication is that autistic people have an impairment of theory of mind. Theory of mind is the ability to know that your mind and perceptions, including your experiences and emotions, are different than the mind and perceptions of someone else. It is the ability to understand other people's thoughts and behaviours as belonging to them, and caused by their own decisions. It is the ability to connect with other people based on your understanding of who they are, not just what you observe of their words and actions. Theory of mind is similar to cognitive empathy, in that they both involve being able to understand the perspectives of others.

The idea that autistic people, as a group, always lack theory of mind is outdated and untrue. Some autistic people, when interacting with other autistic people, are able to understand and empathize with them freely, even if we are less able to do so with allistic people.

However, the idea that autistic people can have a disability of theory of mind is still a useful way to understand autistic thoughts and ways of being. For example, if I am given the time to think about it, I am able to understand that other people have different opinions, experiences, problems, and emotions than I do. But when I am suddenly confronted with other people's confusing behaviour, I cannot quickly understand why they act the way they do. Sometimes, it takes me years, and multiple conversations, to figure out why someone acted a certain way, especially if that is not how I would have acted in that scenario.

When I am able to apply theory of mind, I often do so without understanding it based on an individual other person. I sometimes assume that when one person gives me an instruction, such as to leave the book on the shelf, all other people would give me the same instruction. In reality, other people may have different ideas of what I should do, and would therefore give me different instructons - such as to leave the book on the table or chair.

I don't often understand other people's background knowledge. I can assume that other people know what I know, and don't know what I don't know. I can also assume that other people know everything or nothing. In these scenarios, I over- or under-explain myself, or say or do things without providing context. Sometimes, I explain the plot of a book to someone, even though I know we have both read it. And sometimes, I announce to someone that I have returned from the book store without first mentioning that I had left to go there.

I have difficulty categorizing my thoughts into necessary and unnecessary information. In meetings, I am known to provide long and tangential descriptions of topics which everyone else agrees is not crucial for their understanding - such as explaining the nature, use, and legality of virtual private networks (VPNs) in a college course on the history of imperial China.

I also struggle to understand other people's inner conflicts and hypocrisy. I nearly always can't comprehend when people seem to show evidence of having two opposite feelings simultaneously. People can have strong ethical convictions, but still engage in unsafe driving and breaking traffic laws. I struggle to understand those thoughts existing in one person. Also, I have been told that people can be happy and sad at the same time, but I do not understand that people can feel opposite emotions.

Some autistic advocates reject the idea that autistic people can lack theory of mind. They say that the double-empathy problem explains all issues with communication between autistic and allistic people. They also say that communication between autistic people is always easier than communication between autistic and allistic people. These statements may be true for them, but they are not true for all autistic people. It is better to think of both theories of autistic communication together, applying in different scenarios and to different people.

My lack of theory of mind in certain situations is definitely a disability, and I would classify it as a deficit or impairment as well. I clearly lack some capacity to know or guess what other people are thinking before I make social mistakes. Allistic people can struggle with theory of mind, too. But autistic people who struggle with theory of mind are especially disadvantaged. This is because an impairment of theory of mind, combined with a lack of use of nonverbal communication, can cause allistic people to find us especially annoying, frustrating, and harmful. And as a result, we autistic people can feel socially isolated.

∞

Good autistic conversations

Autistic conversations tend to have a few common features that come from the autistic ways of thinking. In the following section, I will explain them in neutral and positive terms, avoiding deficit-based language and a purely allistic perspective. The next section will be about the negative aspects of communication involving autistic people.

1) Info-dumping is a main characteristic of many autistic conversations. Most (though not all) autistic people have special interests, which means autistic people can be very interested in certain topics. In many cases, autistic people will fixate on their topics for years. My special interest is animals. I have loved animals since my earliest memories. I spend hours of my day thinking about animals. I talk about animals to people, sometimes when they ask me to and sometimes even if they don't. I especially like talking about animals in lists of facts, such as animals that are known for cannibalism, or animals that are endangered. Whenever someone else mentions animals, I am so excited that I want to talk loudly and move my hands and feet. (The animals I fixate on have changed from birds and marine mammals to reptiles and amphibians as I got older - but I still love talking about them in the same ways.)

Other common special interests are celebrities, TV shows, video games, vehicles, collectables (like stamps or figurines), or languages. Sometimes we fixate on lists of things, like people who died of a certain disease, or sports players who played for a specific team. Sometimes we fixate on processes, like how diesel engines work and what goes on inside a personal computer. Autistic people, as a group, have a huge variety of interests! We may be more intense about them than allistic people, but that does not make special interests bad. In fact, special interests are often a source of happiness for autistic people. Because special interests can take up so much of our time and energy, it can feel natural for an autistic person to talk a lot about our special interests, and only our special interests. This is called info-dumping.

And because special interests are a source of excitement, info-dumping can be part of an autistic person's language of love. A language of love is a way of showing the person you're speaking to that you care about them - in this case, when an autistic person info-dumps on a topic that makes us happy, we try to share the happiness with the person we're talking to. This love can be romantic or platonic (non-romantic). It can also show that we trust the recipient of an info-dump enough to unmask around them.

2) Bluntness is another common characteristic of autistic conversations. Autistic people have a tendency to say what we mean, as we're thinking it. We can start a conversation like, "You have pretty bad bags under your eyes today," without saying "hello" or "how are you?" first, or using any other common pleasantries.

We may also interrupt when we want to talk. This can happen when we are excited to share something, or when we think we already know what the other person is going to say, or simply because we do not notice the other person is talking.

3) Autistic conversations tend to be in words, and in concrete concepts. When we can use words, we can speak, write, sign, type, or point to them. Sometimes, we are able to do some of these methods of communication, but not others. When we are able, we tend to use words to convey our thoughts, emotions, and intentions. We often think in concrete ideas, and not abstract thinking. This means our thoughts are often based in literalness, exactitude, and our perceptions of reality. This is a strong tendency, not a rule.

We tend to rely on direct communication. When autistic people use words, we usually use them to mean one specific thing. We are often capable of using and recognizing non-literal language, like metaphors, if we have seen them before and were told what they mean. But when we hear a new metaphor, like "it's raining cats and dogs!", we may check outside to make sure it isn't actually raining domestic animals.

We have a tendency to speak frankly and truthfully. For example, we may point out a change in someone's appearance, like a different haircut. We may point out something that is annoying us, like a sock that is on the floor and not in a drawer. We may also bring up topics that we think are relevant to the person we're talking to, in order to engage in conversation - if we know the other person's husband died recently, we may ask questions about that.

4) Scripting is a common feature of autistic conversations. Scripting is when the format of the conversation, and sometimes even the specific words and sentences we use, are pre-determined. Autistic people can write (or think of) our own scripts before a conversation, and then use them during the conversation. We can observe conversations around us and copy scripts from them. We can also derive scripts from works of fiction, like remembering scenes from movies. We can ask our friends and caretakers to write scripts for us. We can use programs like word-generators and artificial intelligence to write and speak for us. Some autistic people need a word-for-word script to function in most or all social situations, and some are able to improvise to a limited extent. Often, this can sound a lot like a spontaneous understanding of how to convey our thoughts. But our words are generally guided more by what we have heard before, and less by what we improvise.

Some autistic people enjoy small talk, despite the stereotype that we dislike small talk. This is because small talk is often heavily scripted. There is a trade of words - "hello, how are you?" "fine, and how are you?". There is also a limited range of topics to choose from - common small-talk topics include the weather, anything fun you did the previous weekend, or what you're having for dinner that evening. An autistic person may have memorized several comments about the weather, weekend, and dinner plans to use in small talk.

In general, autistic people can feel more comfortable in a conversation with clear goals. A meeting with a teacher about a question from class, which can be stressful in some ways, also can have a clear format. These conversations usually take the form of questions and answers, where an autistic person can read from a pre-prepared list of questions, and listen to focused and direct answers. Having conversational structures is very comforting for autistic people.

5) When autistic conversations are not scripted, they can become tangential or derailed. This is when an autistic person's sense of internal logic connects very different topics, and the goal and direction of the conversation changes as a result. In tangential conversations, the autistic person eventually returns to the original topic. In derailed conversations, the autistic person stays with the new topic.

For example, the original topic of conversation is this section on conversational derailment, and the goal is to ask the autistic person to think of a time they have gotten derailed. The autistic person may think of a seemingly random topic, which is bear attacks. The autistic person is asked why they thought of bear attacks when asked this question. They may say that derailment happens to trains, too; and there are transcontinental railways in Canada, and they can take you to the Rocky Mountains, where there are also many bears, which will attack if provoked - quite inconvenient in the event of a derailment.

Autistic conversations can also become circumstantial, which is when autistic people provide extra context before giving the concise answer. For example, an autistic person is eating potato chips, and they are asked if the potato chips are any good. They may describe what they know about unethical palm oil production, and then answer, "but these chips are pretty good, actually". Tangential and circumstantial verbal abilities are both forms of autistic verbal creativity. These logical processes can be a source of entertainment and humor for autistic people. They can be a way for us to share additional information on topics that we are excited about.

6) Autistic conversations can be detail-oriented. We can focus heavily on one aspect of a broader topic, to the extent that we can show technical knowledge beyond our peers. We can be very articulate regarding the CNO cycle of nuclear fusion that occurs in massive stars, which uses heavier elements as intermediaries in the production of helium from hydrogen, which we can bring up in a general, casual discussion of astronomy.

Our conversations can also be monotropic, or remaining on one niche topic for a while. Monotropic conversations show our passion for our interests. They are a way of communicating a love for mechanisms, minutae, and inner workings. And it can feel amazing when we are in an uninterrupted monotropic flow - when our brains are allowed to focus. Some allistic people are able to achieve this; and some autistic people are not. But it is a common enough autistic experience to be a frequent object of study and discussion.

7) Autistic communication can involve echolalia, which is when we repeat sounds, words, and phrases we have heard. This can involve copying the person we are having a conversation with or repeating lines (and sometimes entire scripts) from movies and TV shows. Sometimes we copy these sounds exactly, and sometimes we mix them up - if we hear "now crack the egg into the bowl" on a cooking show, we may say, "now crack the egg, crack into the bowl, now, craaaaack". Sometimes we copy sounds that aren't from words, like a creaking door or another person's frustrated groan. For some nonverbal autistic people - discussed in the next section - the echolalia of sounds that aren't words is their only form of voiced communication.

We aren't always aware of echolalia. Sometimes it happens when we like the sounds we hear. Sometimes, echolalia is our way of contributing to a conversation when we can't think of something else to say. We may repeat the last word or sentence the other person said to us. And sometimes it happens because of a concept called mirroring, which is when we copy a behaviour we associate with something positive.

Sometimes, autistic people can show echolalia when we copy the accent of the person we're talking to. We can "borrow" consonants, vowels, and single words if we like them, meaning we adjust our pronunciations to match those of what we hear. Or we can copy an entire accent. When I use my "lecture-voice" (a form of masking that I use when I am presenting information), I frequently copy Received Pronunciation (posh English), Irish, and Mid-Atlantic accents. I have heard these accents from panel show hosts, and I associate them with respect, intelligence, sociability, and being listened to. I desire to be respected and seen as intelligent, sociable, and worth listening to, so I copy these accents. (This was more of a habit in high school, and I was not fully aware of it until my peers told me. More recently, I only use some particular vowels and phrases instead of whole accents. I also understand that my stereotype about these accents in particular is not wholly true.)

8) Autistic people can have limited speech. Some autistic people do not speak out loud at all. This is a permanent state of being. This is called being nonverbal. Some autistic people have a limited range of words they use. This is called being semiverbal, and it is also usually a permanent state. And some autistic people have a wide vocabulary, but we don't use many or any words when we are upset, especially when we are mid-breakdown. This is called having a verbal shutdown.

A verbal shutdown is not a permanent loss of words, but it does often severely impact communication. Some people call this being selectively mute. However, the word "selective" can make it seem like we can choose whether to talk and we just don't want to, not that we physically cannot. Some people will also refer to this as "going nonverbal"; however, there seems to be a strong preference by permanently nonverbal and semiverbal people to keep the definition of these labels narrow. Therefore, I will never refer to verbal shutdowns as "going nonverbal".

Having a limited vocabulary does not mean autistic people do not have anything to say. Nonverbal, semiverbal, and verbal autistic people having a shutdown can often still communicate by typing, pointing, or making noise. Verbal inability or loss is also not the same as having an intellectual disability, although many autistic people do also have an intellectual disability. There is nothing wrong with having an intellectual disability, just as there is nothing wrong with being autistic. But having both can make conversations much more difficult.

9) Autistic people spending time together can involve no verbal communication at all. Sometimes, we like engaging in parallel activities. These activities are when people do actions together without the need or social pressure to communicate physically or verbally. Most autistic people are not antisocial. For autistic people who crave being social, but who find social interactions difficult, we can find it pleasant to be in the same vicinity of someone else while we do separate activities. For example, when my partner makes dinner, I like drawing in the kitchen with him. We many not speak much, but we are enjoying time together. Engaging in parallel activities can be another form of autistic love language, because they are only possible with a high degree of comfort and prior communication between the autistic person and our chosen friend.

10) Autistic conversations can involve humor. Autistic senses of humor are guided by our ways of life and understanding of the world around us, just like allistic senses of humor. Many autistic people tell jokes to make ourselves and other people laugh. We can deliver jokes in nonverbal ways that we have discovered make them funnier. We can understand that jokes can make people feel comfortable, and that they can lead to friendships. Autistic people can use and enjoy wordplay, observation, improvisation, physical humour, trickery, violation of social norms, references, unexpected and surreal scenarios, cringe and dark humor, and sarcasm. We can enjoy comedy writing and performance. Verbal autistic people are more associated with a sense of humor. But nonverbal autistic people can communicate their senses of humor in other ways that aren't laughing and telling jokes out loud.

11) Autistic communication can have a time limit. For some of us, no matter how much we enjoy the company of someone else, we need time alone to recharge our social battery. A social battery is a metaphor for the amount of social energy a person has. It can be depleted by spending time with people, and refilled by being alone, doing a preferred activity, or being only around certain people. Autistic people, especially autistic people with other disabilities, can have a very limited social battery.

It is generally easier for me to be around someone for two hours than eight hours. This is because masking, keeping up with conversation, and tracking the other person's face and body movements all take energy. When this energy is depleted, I must have time alone, in silence, doing something I like, or nothing at all. Autistic people can still crave social stimulation and interaction; but we can also crave silence and solitude. Just like allistic people, autistic people can be extroverted or introverted, either in general or at different times.

∞

Frustrating autistic conversations

still working on this section! maybe change title?

This section is limited by my own lack of knowledge and understanding of allistic conversations. Because I don't have an instinctive understanding of allistic conversations, I need to learn allistic traits the slow way: by reading about them, by learning from allistic people, and by repeatedly making social mistakes in allistic spaces.

This seems to be the same way allistic people learn about autistic social conventions. But because allism is the dominant neurotype, or brain structure and function, there is little written concrete information on allistic social norms. There is also an assumption that I should just "get it" while these norms happen in conversation. I don't. Sometimes, I don't understand an allistic social norm for years after I experience it. Sometimes, I don't even notice that an allistic social norm exists.

Allistic social norms are also conditional and flexible, meaning they can vary based on various contextual factors, and sometimes just because they do vary. I understand things in strict rules and always-or-never, all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking. When rules are not rigid, I don't see them that way, even though allistic people do. So I will probably be working on this section my whole life.

In the section above, I tried to describe autistic conversation habits in neutral and positive ways. The negative aspects of autistic conversations usually occur when autistic and allistic people interact, though they can happen in conversations between autistic people too. In the following section, I'll use language more common in the medical model of autism. This is the idea that autism is a set of deficits, or ways in which autistic people are not as good as allistic people. I'm using this language not to reinforce this belief of allistic superiority, but merely to explain how many medical professionals and allistic people in general can perceive autistic people, and also how many autistic people see ourselves. I have also incorporated how allistic people can be shown to have deficits in communication, too, for the sake of balance.

1) Autistic people's special interests and info-dumping can be seen as problematic when allistic (or other autistic) people do not want to listen to conversations about them.

2) Autistic bluntness can be problematic when allistic people and other autistic people think we are rude. Autistic people can find allistic social conventions difficult to understand and use, so we often skip them in our conversations. And sometimes, we know we should use polite speech in conversations with allistics, but we forget. We often avoid saying extra, non-essential words to be polite, with a person without realizing they make the person uncomfortable, like, "did you have to sell your house when your husband died?" Autistic truth-telling can be interpreted by allistic people as being aggressive or defensive. From an autistic perspective, we are telling the truth when we say, "you told me we were going to meet on Thursday, so I expected we were going to meet on Thursday." This is a fact and a logical conclusion. But allistic people can interpret that sentence as an attack on them, as though they have done something wrong. They can say or think, "I never meant Thursday. Why is this autistic person calling me out for a mistake that doesn't matter? Why don't they understand I don't always mean what I say? They are hurting my feelings." Sometimes, autistic people do not know when we are in an argument. From our perspective, we simply told the truth.

3) Allistic people can be inexact in general. If they say, "want to meet up next Thursday?", what they could actually mean is "I want to meet next Thursday, but I don't know if I will be able, so I will tentatively suggest Thursday with the assumption that if I am too busy, it will be on another day." Autistic people, though, will hear "Thursday" and spend the week preparing for Thursday. We will be devastated if Thursday's plans are cancelled, and we may find the allistic person flaky at best, or a liar. But the autistic person can lack the ability to identify when an allistic person is suggesting a date

"are we set, or do you need to let me know? Allistic people communicate extensively in non-verbal ways. They may not be able to articulate how they know a particular face or gesture means something else. They may have learned these gestures as infants, but since then they may have never considered why they believe what they believe. Autistic people's lack of non-verbal communication can make allistic people uncomfortable, who are used to unconsciously understanding body language and tone of voice. For the autistic people who have learned how to read body language, seeing it lacking in an autistic person can also feel confusing and uncomfortable. Allistic people can make use of non-literal language, which is a set of ways of using language that can be very confusing to an autistic person. Allistic people are used to speaking metaphorically about difficult topics. They also often aren't particularly concise about what they mean to say. An allistic social trait involves the use of allusions, or indirect references to what they are talking about. They may use allusions in the form of metaphors, where they substitute one idea for another: (example here) They may use allusions, often (but not always) combined with body language and tone, to be passive-aggressive. (define and elaborate) These are all ways for allistic people to avoid being blunt and literal. concrete vs abstract thinking formality/distance/arrogance

4) For allistic people, scripted conversations can feel strict and uncomfortable. unstructured conversations But if the conversation moves to a different topic for which the autistic person has not prepared, we can feel much more uncomfortable. vague questions with multiple answers: "how are you?" "what's new?" "any plans?" "are you alright?" can trigger panic as we try to think of any answer, but blank; or if we think of multiple answers and we have to evaluate them all for social appropriateness e.g. plans for the weekend involve learning about the symptoms of Ebola virus and through which orifices a victim bleeds, and also cooking pasta with white sauce.

5)these are classified as disorders wtf. allistic people, from an autistic perspective, make confusing leaps in logic, too.

6)

interrupting without realizing or without regard to what the other person wants to say - allistic people may say we lack a sense of conversational timing Oversharing - talking about ourselves and what is on our minds detail-oriented at the cost of broad understandings, or conversational flexibility something I read about when I was reading about monotropism in fluid conversations, where topics narrow and broaden often, it can be really difficult for us to keep up I feel that strongly in family conversations I had an example from last night, but I remember we were talking about what movie to watch last night and I suggested film noire and so I suggested English and Japanese-language, black-and-white, classic noire films with a focus on psychological tension and horror rather than realistic and depressing crimes so that was my focus. but my parents broadened it back out to any movie and I was upset I couldn't keep talking about film noire Monotropism not a universal experience. Restricted/repetitive behaviours, unusual fixated interests more medical model terms. People's actual autistic ways of life are usually somewhere between these two understandings

7)

8) people impatient with AAC users *incorporate into general conversation pacing issues; can happen with both allistic and autistic people

9) *write about joint attention deficits below

10)

11) Our social battery can be depleted by talking with people, being with people, being online, texting Hard to leave scenarios without being rude

∞

Other autistic conversational factors

Autistic people's conversations can be influenced by traumatic social anxiety. When autistic people experience social anxiety, we often are remembering all of the previous times people have said that we look or act weird, or that we are rude. Sometimes we are remembering that we said something, and then someone verbally abused or physically assaulted us. These memories make it difficult for us to engage in conversations, because we are nervous that the abuse will happen again. This is different from conventional social anxiety, which is not necessarily based on any evidence-based conclusion (for example, someone may fear negative social consequences, even if they have not experienced retaliation for their behaviour before). Autistic people can be both conventionally and traumatically socially anxious, or we can be anxious in just one way.

Change and unpredictability are also a source of autistic anxiety. Sometimes, there may be nothing particularly wrong with a social scenario, but we just didn't expect it to happen, and that makes us anxious. I have been in a scenario where I have seen someone while shopping who knew me from high school. This can be an awkward scenario for other reasons, but I felt more anxious that I simply hadn't prepared a script for interacting with this person, and I hadn't even planned on talking to anyone else that day.

(Most of the ideas in my autism write-ups are my own, or they are gathered from conversations in which I have been a part. However, a significant portion of the discussion on autistic anxiety comes from Cynthia Kim's blog, Musings of an Aspie - specifically the post titled "My Anxiety is Not Disordered". In case this website is taken down, I have a link to a PDF of the page here, created on 18 June 2024.)

∞

Another important factor to note is that allistic people usually have biases toward autistic people. Allistic people may be biased against autistic people; or they may be biased toward autistic people, but in ways that can make us uncomfortable. They may or may not be aware of these biases. I have discussed biases in my write-up on questioning and self-diagnosis. These biases complicate the double-empathy problem. They make it harder for allistic people to be understanding of autistic people.

I don't believe that allistic people should be blamed for having biases toward autistic people. However, I do believe that allistic people have the responsibility of overcoming their biases and learning to understand autistic people and treat us fairly.

∞

Safety

Trauma, including physical, sexual, and emotional abuse, is discussed below, uncensored and in detail.

This section (and the next sections) will be organized like a guide. I will try to be as inclusive as possible of other communication styles, such as using AAC, sign languages, or typing (texting and instant messaging); but due to my lack of experience with the first two styles, my guide will be limited.

There are many guides for parents and caregivers, but relatively fewer for autistic people ourselves, to keep us safe. This safety section is meant to be a start to developing your own safety procedures, as a mostly mobile and at least semiverbal autistic person. However, if you have anyone who knows you in-person, like family, a caregiver, or a very close friend, whom you can trust with your personal information and location, you should develop a "worst-case scenario" plan with them. Regardless of how self-sufficient we are told to be, we autistic people should not feel ashamed to rely on other people to keep us safe.

Autistic people can find ourselves in unsafe situations, and we sometimes cannot identify when these situations are dangerous. Allistic people are told to "trust their gut", which means to listen to their own concerns about whether a situation is dangerous. But autistic people can sometimes lack that sense of automatic detection. We need to teach ourselves situational awareness. Therefore, the safety section comes first in this conversation guide, before politeness; just like how safety should come first in real situations. There are multiple types of dangerous situations, and multiple ways to react to them:

1) Physical danger, alone - Autistic people can find ourselves in dangerous scenarios, away from anyone we know. I have a habit of walking away from groups (intentionally or unintentionally) and getting lost (unintentionally). I can also walk quickly or slowly, without noticing I am in front of or behind the group for several minutes. I can become overwhelmed by sensory stimuli and need a break, but I cannot always adequately communicate that need to the people I am with. And I can be distracted by something, like seeing an interesting bird, and become so focused on following that bird than going where I am expected to be going. I also simply go out by myself sometimes, and no one else knows exactly where I am.

Autistic brains can also miss the cues for safety, like staying in a group of familiar people, especially if we are not explicitly told to stay with them. We can find ourselves near bodies of water, streets, cliffs, or machinery. In these scenarios, we could use a checklist or flowchart - mental, digital, or physical - to remind us to be aware of our surroundings. I use a system of memorization, and notes and alarms on my phone; each autistic person should develop your own system that works for you. I'll type my checklist below, to help you get started:

- Am I in immediate danger (in or near a body of water, busy road, dangerous height, or dangerous machine)?

- Am I physically injured, incapacitated, or immobile?

- Am I having a meltdown, shutdown, or panic attack (uncontrollable movements and speech, shouting, crying, self-harm, dissociation, fast heartbeat...)?

- Am I within sight or hearing distance of someone I know and trust (parent, partner, friend, caregiver...)?

- If not, have I told someone I know and trust where, specifically, I would be going today ("I am going to the food market on 11 Main St")?

- If not, am I able to call or text someone I know and trust to share my location?

- If not, have I told someone I know and trust that I would check in with them by a certain time ("I'll call you on Sunday evening")?

- If not, am I able to safely get home by my own means: knowing where to go, reading a map, and being able to walk, drive, or take public transport ("I know that home is three blocks east and one block north, and I don't have to cross any dangerous intersections to get there")?

- Do I have access to food and water?

- Do I have access to money to buy food and water, or to pay for transportation home?

- Is it late at night? Is there bad weather? Do I need a safe place indoors to take shelter?

- If I don't have access to resources, am I able to talk to someone to help me?

- Is there anyone nearby who I can trust and ask for help (shopkeeper, law enforcement, stranger; and am I verbal enough to ask, or do I have the ability to type or write a message)?

- If not, is there a path I can follow to get to a place with someone I can trust and ask for help (trail, river, street)?

- If there is no path, or if I am not able to use it, can I expect someone to be regularly searching this area (park ranger, law enforcement, neighbours)?

I will continue to use this checklist system throughout the safety section.

There are other things that an autistic person can do to prepare us for when we need help. These include memorizing the phone numbers of law enforcement and trusted people. (Law enforcement in your area may have simple emergency numbers, such as 911 in the United States. However, local departments may have other numbers that can connect you with law enforcement faster, so it is worth looking online for those and saving them on your phone. Also, having multiple numbers of trusted people memorized is helpful if one option does not pick up.)

Strangers and businesses will not always let you use their phones because this is a tactic used by scammers, so it is best to ask them to dial the number for you and put the phone in speaker mode. You can also ask them to send a text.

In some areas, the local emergency response teams have a database of disabled people that they can refer to if there is an emergency. If you search for your township and "disability database" or "autism database", you may find a form to fill out where you can notify emergency responders about your autism, stress responses, difficulties speaking, and anything else you feel they should know. That way, if you do have an emergency, the response team can check your name and address and have this information available without you needing to communicate it to them during the emergency.

You can also order an identifying piece of jewelry, like a necklace with dog tags, a lanyard with a card, or a bracelet, that identifies you as being autistic or generally disabled. You can find these on internet marketplaces. Some companies sell tags with QR codes for someone to scan and gain important information like your name and the phone number of a trusted person. I do not recommend giving them too much information, such as your exact address or social security number. Also, keep in mind that wearing identifying jewelry requires you to show it to someone - you may have to get close to a stranger, or reach into your sleeves or pockets in front of them. For strangers, and especially for law enforcement, this is considered suspicious behaviour. I will explain this in more detail in the next section.

It is also helpful for autistic people to have "help me" scripts. I have included the following sentences below so that you can use them exactly, or modify them as you need to. Clicking them will link to a plain-text page that you can show to someone if you are not able to communicate verbally. There are text boxes for you to enter your personal information; I do not use or save this information in any way. You can bookmark these pages so that you have them available.

Caregiver: "Hello, I am autistic and it is difficult for me to communicate. I need help in order to get home. May I ask you to call my caregiver so that I can ask them for a ride home? Thank you. Their phone number is..."

Law enforcement: "Hello, I am autistic and it is difficult for me to communicate. I need help in order to get home. May I ask you to call law enforcement so that I can ask them for help? Thank you. The emergency number is..."

Directions: "Hello, I am autistic and it is difficult for me to communicate. I need help in order to get home. May I ask you to give me directions to my home address? Thank you. My home address is..."

Panic attack: "Hello, I am autistic and I am experiencing a panic attack. Could you help me get to a quiet place where I can calm down?"

It is a frustrating reality that law enforcement cannot always be trusted to treat you fairly, especially for certain demographics that face high levels of discrimination and violence. I include more on altercations with law enforcement below. However, I am not a member of a group that is especially targeted by law enforcement discrimination. I believe it is best to ask someone local, with a similar appearance and life experience, what they recommend when interacting with law enforcement.

∞

2) Physical danger, with people -

Bullies (explicit and implicit, patterns - physical altercations, physical intimidation, stealing, property destruction, threatening (physical abuse, etc.), embarrassment/hazing/coerced humiliation, tattling/lying/rumors/taking advantage of secret shared/turning others against you, name-calling, mocking/parroting/interrupting, tricking you for laughs, ostracization/exclusion. Cyberbullying covered later. School and workplace. Can be from peers or authority figures) *move this to emotional danger

Why? difference, vulnerability, hate crime, *often autism-related, whether autism is known or not, push you out of social group or workplace, due to previous perceived offense, simple cruelty

Meeting with strangers Accidents (especially car-related) Businesses - followed by security

Altercations with law enforcement: In an ideal world, law enforcement (including police officers, members of the military, and private security services) could be trusted to always have every person's best interests in mind. In reality, including in the United States, there are deeply-ingrained (and deeply unfair) stereotypes, especially about people who are Black, Brown, young, or male-appearing. I am not a member of these targeted communities, and I am not capable of explaining exactly how life can be for people at risk of police brutality, nor would I like to inappropriately speak for them. But it would be irresponsible of me not to point out this pattern - especially because autistic people, who rely on explicit communication, may struggle to always be aware of how threatening we may appear to other people, including how our appearance and actions are interpreted in emergency situations.

Cruelty caused by law enforcement is often defended using the "reasonable officer" argument. This is the idea that officers should be held to the standard of the actions of a hypothetical "reasonable officer" - the supposedly rational decisions and actions of an average person who is in the same situation. This is a concept that is inherently biased against autistic people. Important details of autism are not well-known among law enforcement officers or the general public. Autism can be unfairly associated with people who are violent, even though this assumption is not true. Autism should be more well-known, especially among law enforcement officers who encounter us during stressful emergencies. But law enforcement officers can be insufficiently trained on autism, and they may not know or care enough to learn how to de-escalate a situation with a stressed autistic person.

Autistic people can be seen as a body language minority. Our body language, which can include rocking, moving our hands, shifting our weight, shuffling our feet, or avoiding eye contact (or maintaining it consistently) is not "normal behaviour" to law enforcement, even though it is normal and beneficial to us. Law enforcement can consider our behaviour to be "suspicious behaviour" or "non-compliant behaviour", which are actions taken by someone who is dangerous or deliberately difficult. Also in the category of suspicious or non-compliant behaviour are failing to respond to questions (which autistic people can find challenging if the questions are asked quickly); failure to follow directions (which, in autistic people, could be due to impaired verbal processing, and not refusal); and asking too many questions (which is a common trait in autistic people who need clarity, and not an attempt by us to annoy or delay the officer).

These autistic behaviours, which are not meant to be threatening but can seem that way to law enforcement, are seen as worse or more threatening if the autistic victim is a member of targeted community, which can include (though is not limited to) people who are Black, Brown, young, or male-appearing. These traits are also considered threatening - also not a fair assessment, but one that is shared in much of law enforcement culture, unconsciously or consciously.

This is not how the world should work. The role of law enforcement is to make life safe, and to protect vulnerable people. Instead, the actions of law enforcement can make life more difficult for vulnerable people, or even end the lives of vulnerable people. Vulnerable people include autistic people. It is inherently unfair that autistic people of targeted communities (or, for that matter, anyone) need to watch out for police brutality. There are advocates and movements for the promotion of good practices and a more appropriate role for law enforcement in the lives of vulnerable people, but societal change is happening too slowly. In the meantime, it is sensible to take steps to keep yourself safe as an autistic individual, especially if you are a member of a targeted community.

Steps you can take to protect yourself as an autistic person who is part of a targeted community: Whether you are doing something wrong is irrelevant, as you still have rights Resist the urge to run, stim, shout, turn away, look away, stare for too long, reach for anything (especially dark and long things that look like guns, or anything on your pockets), throw things, hit things. Keep hands visible and do your best to follow directions If you do speak, be friendly, address the officer formally, disclose autism if you feel comfortable, otherwise ask them to talk slowly if you need to, explain that you need time to understand what is being requested Ask local people who are members of a targeted community what to do Practice emergency situations with a trusted caretaker or community member, especially someone who is also part of a targeted community (and with people who may have the same accompanying disabilities, like hearing impairment) Remember the sequence of events, since law enforcement can lie. Stay within sight of a camera, if you can (body cameras are not reliable, since law enforcement can falsely claim that the footage was ruined by something, like the camera moving) Let the police know ahead of time, through databases mentioned above, or by directly calling the department. If you feel comfortable, you can even schedule an in-person meeting. However, the police knowing about autism ahead of time does NOT mean they will treat you fairly; there have been cases where someone on the scene of the emergency has told law enforcement the person is autistic and is unarmed, and law enforcement was still unnecessarily violent. If you are able, get to know your neighbors ahead of time, to hopefully prevent them from calling law enforcement on you Ultimately, the right thing to do is not always clear in an emergency - good to be prepared to reduce anxiety, unexpected stuff Authorities

Scams - the art of persuasion and trickery; "heartstrings" and other ambiguous scenarios - up to you to help, but safety the priority

- Am I in immediate danger (is there someone threatening me physically, with their body or with a weapon)?

- Am I physically injured, incapacitated, or immobile?

- Am I having a meltdown, shutdown, or panic attack (uncontrollable movements and speech, shouting, crying, self-harm, dissociation, fast heartbeat...)?

- Am I within sight or hearing distance of someone I know and trust (parent, partner, friend, caregiver...)?

TBC

∞

3) Relationship and sexual abuse - (especially related to power differences) - identifying childhood SA not the focus here but worth mentioning the risks - adulthood/HFA - presumed capable of making own decisions, making mistakes. but still easy to take advantage of Romantic and non-romantic relationships. start with friends; go to partnerships/romantic relationships - physical, sexual, emotional danger; gaslighting; taking advantage of power and vulnerability; punishment/infantilization...

∞

4) Medical danger - sedation or antipsychotic for meltdowns without consent - can be considered battery

∞

5) Emotional danger - includes verbal abuse, discrimination, unsafe spaces, not covered above

∞

6) Online danger - single other people, group chats, chatrooms, social media; anonymous and non-anonymous; cyberbullying, trolling, doxxing; encouraging suicide

∞

How-to: autistic two-person conversations

I will start by discussing two-person conversations - conversations with one autistic and one other person. This other person can be allistic, autistic, or someone you suspect to be autistic.

The social environment: Before speaking to anyone, it is helpful for an autistic person to understand our social environment. This is a word for the characteristics of the space we're in that influence what is appropriate and inappropriate to say. I will list pairs of words that are opposite ways of describing a social environment; but the reality is that most spaces can be best described as somewhere in the middle of the two opposites.

A social environment can be public or private.

A social environment can be formal or informal.

∞

Developing your mask: Whether an autistic person wants to mask is up to us. We can find that masking heavily is the best decision to get through our professional and personal lives; or we can find masking impossible, and we have no choice but to be plainly autistic. Like many of the seemingly opposite concepts in this conversation guide, the reality for a lot of autistic people is somewhere in the middle.

Constructing your mask is a life-long process. I don't quite create my mask as I develop it, constantly working on it, testing my boundaries for what I can endure, socially; messing up, tiring myself out, letting the mask slip in important situations Masking is NOT the same as trying! you can be trying your best in a conversation with minimal or no masking. just depends on your limits Ok to mess up on most of these things, even the ones that seem serious (but defo can't mess up on consent)

Learning your limits - no contact (in which case, this guide is just for surviving mandatory human contact you find unpleasant), minimal contact, lots of contact, constant contact. These needs are okay, but you can't expect other people (autistic or not) to know what you want, want the same thing you want, or have enough energy for what you want

∞

Pleasantries: greetings, hello, Greetings can be formal or informal, sometimes depending on how they're said, "hi" can be causal or semiformal. Hello, hey, hiya, howdy, yo, oi, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, g'day (vs good day and good night usually goodbyes), greetings, what's up?, what's happening?, what's new?, how are you?, how's it going?, how do you do?, long time no see, *some questions not actually meant to be answered in full Unusual greetings - ahoy, aloha/shalom (or other language greetings for a language you do not speak), salutations (other quite old-fashioned greetings) friendly face expressions, turning to face people, eye contact, waving/nodding, sometimes standing up to greet them (if you're able), shaking hands (or no-contact alternatives) "Being open" (semi-literally) by "opening your body" for communication - shoulders back, arms to your side (not in front of you), head up Hugging, hand-shaking, high-fiving, fist- or elbow-bumping, back/shoulder patting, kissing the hand or cheek (once or multiple times), other bodily contact (some cultural and gender differences) *refusing any of these if you are not comfortable No-contact physical greetings - waving, saluting, putting hands together/gongshou/namaste, nodding/bowing What you owe to other people Learning friendliness can go a long way Being considerate to other people - my rule of making other people's lives easier if I can, and not making them harder Unintentional cues - closed body language, flat affect, "eye-rolling" Ending a greeting - parting phrases - cheers mate (casual goodbye, combined with term of familiarity), see you, goodbye, bye, have a nice day, have a good one, see you later, see you 'round (also some foreign language examples)

Initial awkwardness: forgetting someone's name. recovering from awkwardness. trying to train yourself to identify when something is actually worth mentioning/apologizing for. accepting you'll probably never know for sure (allistics struggle with this too) Honesty goes a long way in apologies The wrong vibe - people who, while not really unsafe, do not wish to treat you as an equal (and you want to be treated as an equal) - seeing you not as a person, but as a source of entertainment, or someone to pick on. Bad intentions

∞

Introducing yourself: summary section - first impressions really matter. Setting up the expectations of an interaction and of a broader relationship

∞

First casual conversations: with strangers, with people in the service industry, with family. Basic small talk scripts and topics - weather, school/employment, weekend plans, turning something you did into a succinct summary - showing who you are, in a basic sense. "Elevator pitch". Also, beginning reciprocity - allowing other people the time to speak; showing them you're listening; asking leading questions; giving them options to continue the conversation Supplying additional information to keep the conversation going Seen the person before? - what's new? answering that question Natural ends to conversations (appropriate to having actually spoken, not just waved hello)

Making casual friends: sharing things about yourself, hearing same from others - reciprocity. Oversharing. appropriate and inappropriate topics

∞

Flirting: Conveying romantic and sexual interest, having fun, physical contact. Appropriate flirting partners. saying and hearing no (leading into next section) Being openly autistic and vulnerable - fetishization, dehumanization Being female, presenting feminine - especially vulnerable

∞

Exiting an uncomfortable conversation: both for your own sake; and recognizing when others are trying to do the same - boundaries and consent. Also, slowing down a quickly-moving relationship. Discussion of signals; also, how and when to make your perspective verbal. Being unsure could mean you need more time

Learning about your conversational partner: This section is a summary of the sections above. In introductions, small talk, and flirting

∞

Conversations with a goal: explicit and implicit. explicit: information trades implicit: friendliness, hierarchies (high/low or establishing equality), conveying expertise, making yourself seem worth listening to Noticing something is wrong: "how can I help?" Learning how to help - practical and emotional help, finding out what other people need Comforting people Asking for a favor - identifying what you need, conveying it to another

One-sided communication: socially-sanctioned lectures, information dumping, presentations

∞

Serious conversations: criticism, serious apologies, altercations, etc. also professing love, "big talk", what you are saying in few words

∞

Asking for help:

Making good friends: There is a distinction between casual friends and work friends - it's up to you, where that distinction is. But good, close friends tend to share some common traits.

Deepening your relationship: This section is a summary of the sections above.

∞

Dating:

∞

Romantic or aromantic close partnerships: serious relationships, proposals, marriage etc. as well as queerplatonic partnerships. Living together, making joint decisions, compromising (or talking about what you cannot compromise on), sexuality (can exist or not exist consensually in romantic and aromantic relationships; I'm probably not gonna get too deep into it, just emphasizing consent/communication of expectations)

∞

Ending a relationship: - making serious decisions, accepting you won't always feel sure or good about them - assuming a situation that isn't immediately dangerous; heavy emotional investment in relationship/stability, what you owe in an explanation, coping with loss/grief

∞

Life-changing words: Summary section.

How-to: group conversations

There are two types of groups of people. There are groups of people who ended up together somewhat randomly, such as people who are all in the same grocery store at the same time. And there are groups of people who perceive a meaningful shared characteristic and an emotional bond, such as people who all support a football team. The first type of group I will keep calling "groups", but I will call the second type of group "communities". Groups can become communities over time, such as a group of students in the same class forming friendships and a class identity.

There are communities within communities. Within the autistic community, there are groups of people with very different labels and beliefs. Within the LGBTQIA+ community, there are groups of people who feel connected because they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, asexual, or anything else. All of these groups are also their own communities. People whose communities can overlap, such as people who are both Hispanic and transgender, can feel they belong to a more specific community of only people who share those similarities. People can also reject the labels that other people use for them, preferring to stay outside a community they may be said to belong to.

Within many communities, there may be groups that disagree with each other, dislike each other, or even hate each other. Some parts of a community feel that other parts of the community should not be included. Communities have different definitions to different people. All of these factors mean that communities cannot be clearly defined as a consistent group of people.

Finding your communities: common community categories, labels, etc.

"Fitting in": how it isn't that simple

Retaining your identity: becoming secure in what you are, who you are, and what you believe in overall

Evaluating opinions: hearing contrasting views, accepting differences, not accepting things that harm people or go against your core beliefs

Conversational balance

Small groups of people may be more easily defined than communities, but communicating with them can be just as difficult

Group romantic or aromantic close partnerships - not my area of expertise, frankly, but the above concepts apply

∞

How to disclose that you're autistic: Ideally, disclosure should not be necessary in most situations. Being autistic is considered private medical information, so there is usually no reason that you should feel forced to disclose. Sometimes, autistic traits are too difficult to hide, and whether you are autistic will be apparent to the people you interact with. That doesn't mean you should be forced to answer unnecessary questions and defend yourself from ignorant people.

But if you want to reveal that you are autistic, you should ideally feel free. Sometimes you have decided that you feel comfortable enough with someone, and you think they should know. Sometimes you feel embarrassed by social mistakes you have made or will make, and you want to disclose that you are autistic to help a friend understand. And sometimes you feel proud of being autistic, and you want to share that pride with someone else. These are all great reasons to disclose that you are autistic.

You should never disclose autism to someone who may harm you as a result of your disclosure - read the safety section above. It is also unsafe to disclose autism to someone who may not have threatened you directly, but who can make your communities unsafe for you. These communities can be your friend groups, home, family, doctor's office, workplace, or town. And these people can be people with authority over you and others, and who you think may use that authority to harass you and discriminate against you. Examples of these people include an influential peer at school, an unfriendly teacher, a hostile boss, or an unpleasant community organizer.

You should almost always disclose autism to people who need to know, such as a good romantic partner, very close friend, trusted caregiver, medical professional, or employer, as long as they have not threatened you or threatened to make your communities unsafe. A method I use to identify reliable support people in my life is by asking myself whether I feel comfortable disclosing autism to them. If I do feel comfortable with that idea, it is a good indication that these people are a good part of my life.

To disclose to a person, you can start the conversation by conveying that you want to have a serious conversation. To disclose to a group, it is usually best to first identify someone you trust, and disclose to them. A disclosure to one person may look like this:

Hello, do you mind if I talk about something a little serious?

I am autistic.

I am telling you now because I feel comfortable enough with you, and I trust you to be respectful to me, understanding of my differences, and considerate of my privacy.

This may or may not be a surprise, if you've known me for a while! But I wanted to provide a short definition of autism, just because there are so many stereotypes out there, and I want you to have a good idea of who I am and how I think.

Autism is a spectrum - this means it presents differently in different people. If you know any other autistic people, we may have a similar brain structure, but we might have very different lives, abilities, and difficulties.

Autism is a disability for me. Communication and sensory issues make my life much harder to live. I struggle more than most people in relationships, public places, workplaces, and in general. You may not have seen this in me, but it is something that impacts my life a lot. Being disabled isn't a bad thing, inherently, and you shouldn't feel embarrassed for me. But being autistic can be bad because this world is not built for autistic people.

Autism is also permanent. You may hear about autistic children all the time; but autistic children grow up into autistic adults, and I am one of them!

I haven't changed as a person before and after telling you I am autistic. I hope you can accept this as one more thing about me.

You can feel free to use this script exactly, or modify it based on your own experience or whom you are talking to. I wrote this script, and I use it myself, with some additions like saying when I was diagnosed, or talking about a specific incident with the person that shows I am autistic. When disclosing to a group, you may not be able to gain everyone's attention at once. I avoid disclosing to groups; but if you want or need to, you can use a shorter disclosure script:

Hey, everyone - I wanted to let you know that I am autistic. It's a disability, and it means that communication and sensory issues make my life much harder to live. I don't think that autism always has to be a bad thing, but it can be a real pain sometimes! I hope that you can accept this as one more thing about me.

ways people can reply

If someone, or a group of people, has a negative, mocking, or dismissive reaction to you disclosing that you are autistic, I believe it is perfectly reasonable to limit or end your contact with them. You deserve respect and fair treatment, and people who are not willing to give that to you are not worth your time. Sometimes, though, a relationship is more complicated - you may not want to end contact with someone, even if they have a negative reaction to talking about autism.

how to respond to "I don't care" (etc.) *reactions and responses

In an unsafe situation that you need to remain in for some reason, you can disclose some aspects of autism without saying "autism". A way to do this is to explain that you have sensory processing differences or issues. You can describe how bright lights make you upset and tired, without saying that it is because you are autistic. You can also say you are awkward, instead of saying you struggle with social, and especially non-verbal, communication

You can even tell a white lie, or a lie that has some truth in it, if you'd like. An example of this is saying the bright lights give you a headache - this may be true, but autistic sensory overwhelm is more than just headaches. But allistic people generally understand headaches better than they understand autism, so this explanation may make more sense to them, and they may be more likely to accept it. This strategy is optional. If you are uncomfortable with lying, you don't need to lie. (I would definitely avoid mentioning medical conditions that you have not been diagnosed with or are not seriously questioning, like ADHD, OCD, and schizophrenia, out of respect for the people who are diagnosed or seriously questioning those conditions.)

You can turn a disclosure of some parts of autism, without saying "autism", into a joke. This doesn't have to involve mocking yourself or putting yourself down. It can involve mild self-depreciation, though, which is when you point out your own shortcomings. You can say, "I'm just so forgetful! You know when people say they forget everyone's names...? I forget my own name." Or, you can say, "I'm just so awkward! I don't know what to do with myself when I enter a room. If there are more than a couple other people in there, I'm out."

These jokes may not be particularly funny or well-structured; but that is not the point. The point of these jokes is to help people be understanding of what you experience, and relate to common traits like forgetfulness and awkwardness, while keeping the conversation relaxed and non-serious. When making jokes, it is usually important to smile - with your entire face, if you are able; not just your mouth. You can raise your eyebrows, widen (or squint) your eyes, turn up the corners of your mouth, and even tilt your head back a little. Feel free to practice this with a friend or a mirror. You can laugh a little bit, too, because when you laugh, other people tend to laugh, too - and laughter can make everyone feel more relaxed.

Around some people, it may not even be safe to say any of this. It is up to you whether you want to, or are able to, live without telling people you are autistic. Sometimes, it is worth preserving paid employment or a place in your family. But ultimately, it is good to remember that you should not be ashamed of being autistic - the people who make your groups and communities unsafe for you are the ones who should feel ashamed.

∞

I have received extensive allistic and autistic help from other people while writing this page, especially from my allistic (but incredibly insightful) partner. I will use this acknowledgement to address any allistic readers, and say, if you see an autistic person struggling to communicate in any of these ways, help us. We are usually trying our best, but we are also usually extremely confused and overwhelmed. As annoying as autistic communication may seem to allistic people, I can promise you it is far more annoying to live with a disability. And if you do not want to help us, do not harass us.

Back to the autism main page:
Autism

AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, ADVOCACY

AUTISTIC RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS

Contact me with comments or constructive feedback:
Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, Email

Do not use content without my consent. Support new and local artists! Last updated 26 October 2024