"The Old Man with the Lump on his Face"

A Japanese folktale (Kobutori Jiisan) re-told by rhzartist

I tried to re-tell this story some time after I first read it; I think I got the main bits.

There once was an old man who lived in the mountains. He was a lumberjack by trade, and he spent much of his time chopping wood. This solitary job suited him well; for he had a pendulous lump on the left side of his face the size of a grapefruit, about which he was very self-conscious.

One autumn day, after a long day's work, the old man noticed the sun was setting faster than he expected. He started to hurry home, but in his haste he quickly became lost. After turning in circles on the winding trails, he started to despair. "I'll never make it home! I will die on the mountain and be eaten by the oni!" Luckily, he spotted a small mountain village ahead. He searched for an inn with a vacancy, but all rooms were taken. Despondent, the man curled up inside a leftover wooden display box from the town market and settled in for a cold October night.

To his surprise, he heard a ruckus coming towards him on the street, like a caravan of traders. He thought himself very lucky - perhaps these merchants would have warm tents, fires, and blankets! He was about to throw the box off his shoulders when he caught a glimpse at the travelers.

They had one eye or three. Some had no body, or no face, or no skin; some were bird-like with terrible beaks or snake-like with horrible fangs. There were giants with red skin and black horns - the oni that did not balk at devouring even their own kind. There were women with beautiful faces atop hideously long necks and bloodstains on their kimono. It was human blood! This was the famous Night Parade of the yokai, when the local monsters scour the land looking for a human meal. The old man was petrified.

The monsters were making quite a ruckus. Many held instruments, with which they played a popular folk song. Most were drunk out of their wits. But even in the inebriated din, the yokai were still monsters, and their senses were sharp. "I smell fear! I smell a human!" they shouted, drawing ever closer to the old man's hiding spot.

The old man was so afraid that he forgot who he was. In a stroke of madness, he sprung out of his hiding spot. Carried away by the music, the old man started dancing, wildly swinging his arms and kicking his legs, shouting "hey!" and "ho!". All of his fear transformed into passion for the music. The yokai gathered around to watch. "This is hilarious! More, more!" they cried. They were entranced by the old man's hot-blooded dancing. Everyone was quite disappointed when the song ended, not least of all the old man - his senses returned to him, and he was quite sure he would be devoured in one bite.

"This is the best entertainment we have seen in two centuries," claimed the largest oni, peering down at the man with his single massive eye. "You, mysterious dancing man - we want you to join us when we parade the streets of this town next month." Cried another monster, "but how can we guarantee he will return? Old men are quite fickle."

The group argued for a while until a young yokai offered a solution. "Why don't we take his face lump with us? After all, face lumps are good luck, and he'll surely miss it." The yokai all nodded in agreement, and a demon sorcerer stepped forward, using his magic from his crinkled fingertip to painlessly remove the old man's embarrassing lump from his left cheek. "Be sure to come back, now!" the yokai shouted, and off they went, leaving the old man stunned in the middle of the road.

The next morning, the old man hurried home. He couldn't keep this spectacular story to himself, so he told every friend and neighbor who would listen about the Night Parade and the yokai magic. One of these neighbors, an old man with a massive lump on the right side of his face, listened attentively. "What dupes the yokai of these mountains are! I'll surely be able to use the same trick against them twice, and then I will finally be rid of this horrid lump."

So the next month, the jealous neighbor hiked to the village and hid in an alley. Sure enough, the Night Parade arrived. The yokai laughed and bellowed. They drank and sang songs. The jealous old man jumped from his hiding place: "You! I am the famous dancing lumberjack of these lands! I have returned for my encore!" He swung his arms and kicked his legs, but with none of the passion or spontaneity of our original old man. He looked foolish, not hilarious, and the yokai booed.

"What a disappointment! We must have been too drunk to notice what a shoddy dancer you are. You can go ahead and have your stupid lump back. It must not be good luck, if you were born with such bad dancing talent!" With their yokai magic, they placed the first man's lump on the jealous man's cheek, giving him two cumbersome lumps, one on each side. Off went the party into the night, and the jealous neighbor was even more embarrassed at the lesson he learned.

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